For the past 12 years, I’ve been blessed to live in Intentional Communities. Unlike the larger political system that we find ourselves in as Americans, decision-making in a community is intimate: we know each other personally, we talk directly with each other about what’s important to us, and we know something of the challenges, joys and interests of each person we live with. You do a lot of living in a community, and if you are lucky enough to live with people you like, a lot of bonding.

You also do a lot of meetings, and unless you are a process junkie (like me; I confess) this is one of the downsides of community. It sometimes feels like every day (or every week) is election day, with that level of emotional intensity attached to the outcomes of votes that are, after all, quite a bit closer to home than the White House.

I’ve heard people say that the keys to satisfying democracy are high voter turnout and a better-educated populace. And yet my experience living in high-participation democratic one-vote-per-person groups has been that the same dynamics happen on this smaller scale—except in the most careful of groups, you get camps and hostilities and resentments not unlike those of the democrats and republicans. It seems that we have substituted checking a box (or pulling a lever) for our voices, and that in a win-lose situation some people are always getting the message that political process equals loss. It’s not a very fun game to play.

Divisiveness is perhaps the biggest problem we face politically. I don’t believe that democracy is the best we can do (despite international political propaganda that makes American decision-making out to be the holy grail). I believe, in fact, that until we are willing to move beyond win-lose our political systems will fail to engage the imagination, hearts and loyalties of the people it is meant to serve. When every vote means the risk of losing, it’s hard to relax and enjoy the process, and harder still to resist getting defensive and competitive.

If people want to feel heard, empowered and excited about civil society, then we need to have a system that matches this longing. My experience living and working in functional consensus-based groups has given me a glimmer of hope that we can develop a system that is truly cooperative and inclusive. And if we want it on a large scale, I think we have to practice it in the smaller circles of our social change groups, businesses, communities, and even our families. Until we are in the practice of listening for the wisdom in other people’s ideas or the value of their contribution, we won’t be able to do it when it really counts.

And for me “when it really counts” means when we have a conflict with a loved one, when we have big decisions to make as a family, when the groups we care about are conflicted and struggling with what we want to give to the world, when we have major policy decisions as a nation, and, ultimately, on the largest of scales, when we are contemplating war.

These moments matter, and we are dedicated to helping teach the skills of doing them better, with more compassion, collaboration and creativity.

Here are a few things to try (these are a few of the attitudes we collectively label “Guerilla Consensus” at Sol Space):

1) When someone offers an opportunity to disagree (this is sometimes experienced as “picking a fight” ☺) try listening for what their perspective can add to yours, rather than hearing the differences as invalidating or hostile.

2) Have a values conversation before you start problem solving. Once you know what a good solution needs to include (the values) then you can look for solutions that will fulfill them. If you start with problem solving, it’s easy to devolve into conflict because you haven’t taken the time to get clear about what’s really important to you.

3) When two people are in conflict, assume the attitude of being everyone’s ally. Help bridge the two positions by looking for what they have in common or what is interesting about each. Taking sides only sticks people in their rigid perspectives; consensus is all about getting mentally flexible enough to take in everyone’s good thinking.

*For the “Long Answer” catch one of Ma’ikwe’s public talks on consensus.
Check out our calendar for consensus training dates, or contact us to find out how we can bring it home to you.